Sweet Sweet Fantasy

Thank the heavens for the All-Star Weekend. Not for the All-Star game that seems more like a Celtics invitational with four of my beloved Celtics, Doc Rivers and his entire coaching staff; not for the 3-point contest featuring a green showdown between defending 3-point winner, Paul Pierce, and the 3-point king, Ray Allen, with Kevin Durant in the mix; not for the dunk contest which features “Get In My Poster” Blake Griffin http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xdP5PZvM8J0; hell nooooo, not for Justin Bieber in the Celebrity match http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-LtCjEB9BM - this is my secret fantasy. God help us if he sings at some point.

The thing I’m most looking forward about the All-Star Weekend is a 5-day break from Fantasy Basketball.

For those of you who are unaware of Fantasy Sport, firstly, where have you been hiding? (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fantasy_sport). Secondly, if you are not of the Fantasy League scene, just a little disclaimer to stop reading here. Otherwise you may find yourself wasting frittering away endless amounts of time on an addiction that is Fantasy Sport. 

I am presently competing in a 12-team rotisserie league named “Dan Dickau”. There are nine categories to consider when selecting your team- points, field goal percentage, free throw percentage, 3-pointers made, rebounds, assists, steals, blocks and turnovers. League standings depend on rankings in each of the categories. Each team has 10 players with 3 reserves. Ideally, it is favourable to select players who have strong stats across several categories.

“Dan Dickau” is a very intellectual league with many mature owners aged 24-36 year olds such as “Stiffy Cliffy” and the without-a-name-best-left-to-the-imagination (  .  )  (  .  ). This is a global league with friends and family from New York, Los Angeles, Sydney and Tel Aviv. However, it is far from encompassing foreign diplomacy.

Trash talk is ample and is at its climax on draft day. The amount and content of trash talk in this league makes Kevin Garnett and Elizabeth Lambert look like Sesame Street characters http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UvEobeNfGcc; well, maybe not Elizabeth Lambert. Seriously, there is no love at all in this league. It can get pretty nasty. Even if I were in my sickbed, they would have no sympathy (http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=216836&title=make-a-wish).

My fantasy experience is summed up pretty well in the movie, Trading Places http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_gekaEzqj5g; the early excitement before the season commences prior to the slow realisation that somehow the plan hasn’t come to fruition.

Without a doubt, the wooooorst thing about any Fantasy Sport is injuries. They are Sports’ Mother Nature and disconnecting oneself on a personal level, injuries to your team kill you. They actually make me want to cry http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ee925OTFBCA.

Currently I am coming first in the league and as a result I have tried to refrain from any trash talk. One, I don’t want to put a jinx on myself, and two, I don’t need to add any fuel to the fire in providing any more motivation or incentive.

If it isn’t apparent, Fantasy Basketball is almost like a full time profession in statistics and reporting. It’s like interning as a Sports Statistician. With an international league, there is round-the-clock activity with trades, waivers and free agency. Following Fantasy Basketball is comparable to following the Wall Street Stock Ticker. Countless hours are spent analysing numbers and statistics in deciphering what to consider when scouting for players. I’m analysing my team and the league every morning during breakfast, during lunch with friends, while at work, when I arrive home, in-between scrimmages at basketball and then just before I go to sleep; it even leaves me dreaming about it. They’re even as terrifying as Freddy Krueger or Chip Douglas in the Cable Guy- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EK8Hw5XVvnk. I’ve even almost missed international flights altering line-ups at the very last second leaving me running to catch my plane - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhqjopAmmvE&feature=related.

So, what is it all for you ask? Well apart from the extremely lucrative $600 US (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nC-wMcWv2_w&feature=related), it’s all about the bragging rights. Make no mistake about it, as the great Kenny and Spenny often state, it’s glory for the winner, humiliation for the loser. Honestly, I just want one of those “In Your Face” moments like in Family Guy after Peter wins Yatzhee (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_DBJCxr4qDw&NR=1).

Besides, as tedious as a 6-month, 82 games per team, up to 15 games a day schedule sounds, imagine the poor suckers who play Fantasy Baseball; 162 games-per-team schedule.